Preview of “Grey Matter”

<1   Replacement Therapy

One

It’s cold. A chill, north-westerly wind, carrying a winter mixture of rain and sleet has taken possession of the campus. The dark outline of the London School of Genomics’ main building is punctuated by the occasional bright rectangle of light, distributed randomly across the glass and concrete-fronted edifice. Offices and laboratories bravely defy the elements – the overhead lighting blazing out into the darkness, betray the thoughtlessness of long-departed occupants. Above, dark clouds progress across the sky like sinners pursued by an angry god. There is no moon.

Apart from the solitary security guard stationed at his post in the main lobby, the building is empty; the bank  of visual display screens mounted on the panel in front of him change periodically in a pre-programmed sequence: monochrome and devoid of movement. The last of the research staff had finally decided to call it a day a couple of long hours previously and, as the hands of huge wall clock opposite his station make their slow, inexorable progress around the dial, Andy Simpson completes his summary of the essay he has just finished marking before saving the file on his laptop. With nothing better to do throughout the long night, helping out a previous school colleague in this way brings in a very handy, no-questions-asked, £10 to supplement his meagre night-watchman’s salary each week. Plenty of time left to complete the remaining essays before e-mailing the summary of his critique at the end of his shift.

He picks up the plastic carrier bag lodged underneath his metal desk: a bag containing his paperback, vacuum flask of coffee and pack of sandwiches and makes his way over to the Administration Office. Closing the door behind him, he settles himself into one of the two comfortable armchairs, pours himself a measure of coffee and opens the novel he is half-way through reading – a far different style of English from the crap he has had to endure for the past hour and a half!

Smoking is not permitted anywhere within the building of course but, because of the kettle and small cooker provided for members of staff, the smoke detector lacks the necessary sensitivity to react to the exhalations from his e-cigarette.

In the act of taking another satisfying pull, a sense of there being somebody looking over his shoulder, induced no doubt by a sense of guilt, causes him to look around momentarily. The building is empty of course. Seven more long hours until the end of his shift. He opens the sealed bag and settles down to his midnight snack of corned-beef sandwiches with tomato. Despite the tempting presence of a section of pork pie and a Kit Kat, Andy, brought up during more disciplined times, is in no hurry – sandwiches come first – after all, he has all the time in the world.

Outside in the lobby, as the minute hand of the clock embarks on another circumnavigation of the dial, one of the now-unattended displays comes momentarily into life. Despite this, the motion detectors, located on all the stairwells and main thoroughfares within the building, remain silent and the errant screen instantly returns to its usual state of inactivity – the associated CCTV camera once more providing the same static display it has been recording all evening. Although the image of a young woman moving stealthily along one of the corridors before stopping to unlock one of the storerooms adjacent to the main genomics laboratory is captured by one of the ceiling-mounted cameras, on the monitor it is a static image of the empty corridor that is substituted in place of the live feed. A trivial juggling act for someone adept in the arts of arcane magic!

*****

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Certosa di Pisa

I have had to be very selective about what to include within Little Gems when it comes to Italy – the entire country is filled with jaw-dropping places of beauty and splendour. Here is a Little Gem somewhat off the beaten track and yet only 6 miles from the famous Campo dei Miracoli at Pisa (one of my favourite Duomos). The area has changed quite a lot since I last visited – a bigger car park suggests that it’s been “discovered”.

I’ve been twice and both these visits were over 10 years ago and I’m sure that things have also changed in the way that it is run nowadays. I suggest that for more up to date information you access this site.

https://www.discovertuscany.com/pisa/certosa-di-calci.html

On my first visit there was no guide, just a lady who accompanied us as we did the rounds – a tour devoid of information except, “And this is the…” My Italian wasn’t very good then: maybe I’d booked a time-limited, accompanied-tour only. Despite that, I was well-impressed and added this place to my list of “must revisit”. (The Italy list is a very long one!)

The floor of every room I visited was marked out in a different pattern of tiles and there were paintings with fantastic perspectives designed to deceive the eye and many examples of trompe l’oeil. On a second visit some years later, I was blessed to have a well-informed guide who took delight in revealing much that this magical place has to offer, pointing out the many fascinating things that had escaped my notice on my first visit.

Go there; see it for yourself; be amazed. It is spread across a huge site, sadly not all of it open to the public. Notwithstanding this, it is a true Little Gem.

And while you’re in the area, don’t overlook the Medici Villas. There are dozens of them. Check your Rough Guide.

Petrol Station Forecourts

Petrol Station Forecourts

Maybe I’ve just been unlucky so far but the majority of petrol station forecourts I’ve come across are designed the wrong way round!

“How can a forecourt be the wrong way round,” you ask? Let me explain.

All pump configurations are laid out with the display at one end and the various fuel hoses at the other. Forecourt traffic flow is usually organised so that the displays are furthest away from the entrance – your vehicle occupying the space defined by this configuration. Maybe it’s just me, but I draw a mental box around this space and park within it in such a way that my vehicle doesn’t overhang the exit route or impinge on someone else’s space.

Don’t know if you’ve ever noticed this, but petrol filler caps, regardless of whether they’re on the nearside or offside, have a flap that opens towards the rear – good aerodynamic design, really. Thus obliged to stand at the rear of the car, it never ceases to annoy me that the bloody display is located somewhere adjacent to the driver’s door and at an angle that makes it virtually impossible to read! Now this wouldn’t be a problem if the pumps were configured the other way around OR if the forecourt was designed such that you had to drive past the display first before reaching the pumps.

But they’re not!

Unless you own an SUV or some other monstrously high-sided vehicle, you can always park on the wrong side for the filler cap of course and engage the long hoses. This guarantees you a more straight-on view of the display – and also a few funny looks from other drivers. Another approach, not recommended by me I hasten to add, is to mentally redraw your box before parking such that the petrol filler cap is right in front of the display. Maybe, just maybe, if enough of us do this, sometimes overhanging the exit route in the process, people might sit up and take notice – write to Top Gear, post offensive comments on social media. If other motorists complain it’s relatively simple to explain with hand gestures that it only requires people to move up just two more metres when they park.

[The lady in the picture is definitely doing the “right thing”; whereas the Volvo driver opposite either isn’t aware of the “problem” or is so filthy rich that he doesn’t care – just squeezes the trigger until the pump stops automatically!

I mean, everything else stops for a Volv0, doesn’t it?]