1. Website Q&A
We’ve all come across these. The first question listed should be “Why the f*** did I bother?” I mean, I’m not stupid: should have realised just how many chimpanzees sitting at a tablet it would take, with predictive text enabled, to come up with every variant of syntax and misspelling of the very specific and technically-detailed issue that I would much rather discuss with a human being. I know how to do this – there’s a standard formula to work this out:-
You never know – there’s always an outside chance that my particular issue could be one that’s prevalent among vehicle-counting robots.
*************************************************************
2. “Don’t Call Me Back”
Know what I mean?
Noreply@email
What does this tell me about the sender – “I’m going to tell you something really important to our organisation but am not in the least bit interested to know whether you understand it or not, or if you have any questions or concerns.“ And unsaid, “Because we’ve sent this out, we think we now think our back’s covered.”
“We only employ legal experts, IT staff and a handful of Call Centre staff, underpaid and overworked, who are not empowered to answer anything. That’s why we don’t give out email addresses or contact telephone numbers.”
So what’s the answer?
Set up a rule in your email app that bounces anything with “noreply” in the sender’s name. It’s not your responsibility to accept unsolicited mail. If it’s important enough, it should come via post – you know, like the banks do every time some minor change occurs. If you never received the communication, your back should be covered too. Just remember the small print on those council bills – “Proof of sending is not proof of receipt.”
Caller’s number withheld
This tells you one of three things:
- Either, it’s somebody trying to contact you from an organisation where individual desks have a direct dial number but users don’t understand the difference between calls to clients and personal calls. Lazy; or they’re operating some cheap telephone system.
- Or, it’s a cold call from eg some sales call centre or, more likely, somebody operating a scam.
- Or, it’s some pervert with chronic asthma.
So what’s the answer?
Get a telephone that can identify 141 callers, or even better one that accepts calls from recognised callers only. Can be a real pain I know, but assume that all such calls originate from someone in the example 3 category listed above. If we all did this, the demand for such a facility will die of its own accord.
In a post-Covid world, where triage now happens over the ‘phone, remind your GP to update your personal details accordingly: Name…. Contact Number …. (through switchboard only). This shouldn’t be necessary really, because all replies to anything other than a personal call should come through reception where, one assumes, they are logged.
Petition your MP to ban all 141 calls; be sure to mention that you consider all anonymous calls to be a violation of your civil rights – the instrument of perverts and scammer. Honest Jo Public has no need to exercise such an option – surely there must be at least 20 million of us left to raise a petition + Trading Standards + the Police.
*************************************************************
3. Automated Vehicles
While everybody is pouring billions into eliminating “human error” from our highways, a much more glaringly obvious risk is being ignored – “system error”!
As if our society isn’t already awash with lame excuses! It’s always someone else’s fault when things go wrong, conditioned as we are to seek someone or something to blame; somewhere to point the finger; in fact anything to deflect attention away from the real issues.
It always used to be “computer error”. In truth, that hasn’t gone away, but the “big blue box” (nowadays a software package, tailored by hacks, and operated by call centre personnel) has assumed a personality all of its own. “The computer must have….” as if it was actually capable of making reasoned choices.
“A long way from automated vehicles,” you say. “Come on; get to the point.”
I don’t need to spell it out, surely? Computers are machines, programmed by human beings and tested by human beings. They depend on interfaces, data and up-to-date infrastructure in which to operate. But nobody can leave a fully functioning system alone can they? It has to be upgraded and enhanced with regularity, otherwise how could the software houses survive? And the redesign rarely provides added functionality, rather more fancy, hardware hungry and unwanted graphics – that’s so the computer manufacturers survive. But what does this means to you and me? It means we’re constantly beta testing their products – and if it’s an automated vehicle, it’s our lives that are on the line.
Does anybody actually believe they can cater for and test every conceivable scenario? Or perhaps they rely on the ultimate fail-safe – slam the brakes on!
On the roads, human error is less of an issue than “human incompetence”. Whenever the word “artificial intelligence” is bandied about, remember that the only thing that’s “artificial” is the marketing claim. Intelligence is synonymous with sentient thought and a grazing cow possesses more sentience than vorsprung durch technik!
Let me paint for you a scenario. You’re driving along and notice the car in front keeps slowing down every so often. Annoyed, it takes a little while to realise that this occurs whenever there’s a turning to the right coming up (UK). If you’re any sort of good driver and not one of the arrogant, brainless wankers that infests our roads these days, who’ve been trained by their driving instructors to use last-minute braking as a means to keep traffic moving, you’ll hang back in anticipation of the inevitable sudden stop when the sought-for junction is found.
However, if you’ve been seduced by semi-automated gismos into abdicating control of your vehicle and are no longer aware of what’s going on around you, or what the super-powered monster you’re “driving” is doing, the chance is you’ll soon get totally pissed off and at the first bit of clear road, you’ll put your foot down, overriding that super-intelligent, adaptive cruise control, and get past “the idiot”.
Fortunately, as the car in front comes almost to a near standstill before swinging out across the carriageway, the radar sensors and the plethora of cameras in your vehicle spot the danger in a nanosecond of time… but alas for you, time has just run out.
They are the darlings of the insurance business, because automated vehicles it is claimed will reduce traffic accidents. If so, why don’t those self-same insurance companies absolve the driver of responsibility when these “safety systems” get it wrong? Why aren’t motor manufactures required by law to underwrite their systems? Why aren’t their systems fitted with a “black box” recorder that can be analysed by independent crash investigators?
I’ll tell you why – these systems are not fool proof. Nothing is. Automated controls are just the latest gimmick to access your hard-earned cash as you acquire the “latest technology”, requiring even bigger lumps of hardware to house them, and generating more greenhouse gases to operate them. The world-wide web is responsible for more greenhouse gases than the entire UK economy.
Hey! Who’s rattled your cage, James? Why do you want to put this in Room 101?
Here’s why.
Driving in one of those state-of-the-art vehicles back in 2014 (armed with its cameras and radar) along the M6 one Saturday morning in light drizzle, as I approached a motorway bridge the car executed a perfect emergency stop – all on its own. No warning – no brake lights (I know this because my foot was firmly on the accelerator at the time) – and the car maintained a straight course throughout, overshooting the bridge by some 60 yards as luck would have it!. 70mph to zero in 3.4 seconds! I was in the outside lane, overtaking another vehicle at the time, as were the two vehicles travelling behind me: perhaps each of them one chevron distance apart. The first one managed to swerve; the second didn’t have a chance. Although the car’s safety features saved me and my front seat passenger from injury, the people in the vehicle that hit us were not so lucky – their car was a complete right-off. Despite all its gadgets and refinements, I got rid of that “intelligent” car as soon as. It took over two years for the insurance companies to arrive at a settlement, when my lost no-claims bonus was eventually refunded.
I don’t need to tell you that, even if the number of road accidents do go down, your premiums never will. And it will be you that’s testing out their systems for them while paying for all the deficiencies that come creeping out of the woodwork. And after the brakes and steering functions have been wrested away from you, it will still be you who’s deemed to be “in control” of the vehicle – just because you happen to be in the driver’s seat, grimly clutching the steering wheel as you frantically scan the array of warning lights on the dashboard in case one of them becomes activated suddenly. It’s the flashing red light you need to look out for, the one bearing the legend, “STOP”. What this means is, “Stop the fucking car, before I do”!
You have been warned.